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The Funniest, Satirical and Dumbest Quotes by President Robert Mugabe

Updated on October 27, 2017

Robert Mugabe is an iconic household name. He is well-known for his hatred for the whites especially the British. His hatred for the whites span back before he became the prime minister. This is after he realized how his people, the Zimbabweans were being treated by the white minority. He is instrumental in leading to Zimbabwe gaining independence.

The only Prime Minister and President to ever rule the country since its independence, Mugabe has earned both the admiration and displeasure worldwide. He is applauded for his wise viewpoints of matters affecting the world, Africa in general and particularly Zimbabwe. He is known as the father of Africa possibly because he is the longest serving president who has refused to vacate the seat despite his old age.

A well-known dictator, Mugabe is blamed for the woes facing his country. In utter astonishment, he doesn’t admit his country is not faring well. The high rate of unemployment, the level of corruption existent in his government, smashing down opposition…the list is endless. Nonetheless, there is the positivity side of him as he was instrumental in Zimbabwe gaining independence.

Well, here are some quotes of Mugabe that he has ever uttered in his public speaking both nationally and internationally.

Robert Mugabe
Robert Mugabe | Source

President’s Mugabe’s Quotes

  • Don’t fight even over girlfriends. The country is full of beautiful women. If you can’t get one, come to Mugabe for assistance.

Obviously, don’t fight over a girl who doesn’t like you. There are plenty more where are you are bound to find a soul-mate. It is a wise advice. Should you seek his advice or assistance in such related issues, i.e. relationship issues? Well, if you are Zimbabwean see his assistance at your own discretion. If I were a Zimbabwean, I wouldn’t.

  • It’s hard to bewitch African girls these days. Every time you take a piece from her hair to the witch doctor, either a Brazilian innocent woman gets mad or a factory in China catches fire.

Hmm…how did I know that? Well, it isn’t a fact but my-oh-my that is a strange observation. He signifies some of the women in Brazil who are insane or some of the factories in China which caught fire were a result of some African girls who were bewitched.

  • Dear sisters, don’t be deceived by a man who texts you ‘I miss you’ only when it’s raining, because you are not an umbrella.

Ladies out there, this is a good advice from Mugabe. Avoid and have nothing to do with men who want to feel the warmth of your body in theirs during the rainy season.

Mugabe 1982
Mugabe 1982 | Source
  • I have died many times. I have actually beaten Jesus Christ because he only died once.

It is an overstatement but he has gotten his message through. During his political career he has faced life-threatening situations. He had been masked twice but he escaped both times including. Nonetheless, he has never died therefore he hasn’t yet beaten Jesus Christ.

  • If you are ugly, you are ugly. Stop talking about inner beauty because men don’t walk around with x-rays to see inner beauty.

Mugabe should know the essence of beauty; it’s not the physical appearance but the inner beauty, the real person who is underneath or covered by her shelf, the flesh. Well, Mugabe goes after looks from his utterance.

  • In Africa the only warning they take seriously is low battery.

How true it is at some points, not overly.

Source
  • When God gives you beauty and no brains, your private parts suffer.

Hmm…In actuality, every one of us has been blessed with a working brain. It depends with an individual. How he sees things from his point of view thereby arriving at such decisions or the influence of his peers. Nonetheless, it is true if you don’t engage the mind the private parts will indeed suffer.

  • It’s not possible that women can be at par with men.

He doesn’t know but the fact is it’s possible. We have women who are presidents and executive officers in government and no-government organizations. The only time woman and man are not at par is women get pregnant, men impregnate them.

  • I am an educationist. I am economist. I am a politician. I am also now a good storyteller, you know?

He is an educationist. I heard from a friend seven years ago he is the most educated president in the world. He had earned eight degrees. An economist? Wait a minute! Somehow unless he has good reasons why living in Zimbabwe is tougher as the economic is tough. He is a politician because he has refused to vacate the seat. A storyteller, he is right because

Morgan Tsvangirai Oslo
Morgan Tsvangirai Oslo | Source
  • If you are a married man and you find yourself attracted to schoolgirls, just buy your wife a school uniform.

This shows he is a storyteller, right?

  • I stopped trusting ladies when my class three girlfriend left me for another boy all because he bought a sharpener with a mirror.

Poor young Mugabe, it must have been hard for him to accept his class three girlfriend dumping him. But, he had a crush at such a very young age? Anyway, it appears he doesn’t trust any woman at whatever cost going by his utterance.

  • Being dumped by a dark-skinned girl is the worst thing ever, because anytime you get home and see charcoal, you become emotional.

Hmm…

Source
  • It’s better for a man to be stingy with his money because he hustled for it than a woman to deny you a hole she didn’t drill.

True, at times a man needs to be stingy for the money he sweated to earn instead of wasting it so that he could utilize it for better use. The second sentiment, was he the one who drilled the holes in the women so he can utter such words? For goodness sake, it is the woman’s property not a man’s as if it was meant to be a public toilet.

  • Dating a slim/slender guy is cool. The problem is when you are lying on his chest then his ribs draw Adidas lines on your face.

I have noted this. Many women prefer six-fold guys who have muscular chests. They feel secure and relaxed laying their face on their chests. It doesn’t ring true for us guys whom their chests are nearly as flat as a wall. Not when our hands aren’t effective in scaring away a file. In any case, there still women out there who love our slender/slim bodies.

  • Respect pregnant women because it’s not easy walking around with evidence that you’ve had sex.

Hmm...

President Jacob Zuma holding bilateral talks with Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe
President Jacob Zuma holding bilateral talks with Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe | Source
  • Only God who appointed me will remove me.

In other words he means he will not vacate the seat until death tells him, “Mr. you can now vacate the seat.” He has been defeated in several general elections but has refused to admit defeat. In fact, he formed a coalition government with his oppose in order to remain in power. He is still the sole decision maker.

  • Our economy is a hundred times better than the average African economy. Outside South Africa, what country is as good as Zimbabwe? What is lacking now are goods on the shelves – that is all.

It isn’t ‘that is all’ because it ‘isn’t that all.’ It is a paradox. The lack of goods on shelves indicates how harsh the economy is. I doubt his utterance he is an economist.

A Blast from The Past

This one is absolutely humorous.

One interviewer asked him, “Mr. President, when are you bidding the people of Zimbabwe farewell?” He replied, “Where are they going?”

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