Your Guide to Watching and Analyzing the First Presidential Debate or How to Get Drunk Really Fast

Updated on September 29, 2016

I don't expect this debate to be as full of content as the Lincoln-Douglas debate of 1858

We are coming on the first of three planned fiasco’s in which Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump will go at each other, in the format of a nationally televised debate.

News networks have called this race for the Presidency a “race to the bottom”, as the personal attacks fly. Candidates attacking each other, their supporters and anything negative they can latch onto. We haven’t been this dirty since the 1800’s when Thomas Jefferson labeled fellow founding father, John Adams, a tyrant, criminal, fool and hypocrite. Adams countered, calling Jefferson an atheist, coward and weakling. Sound familiar?

Just yesterday I visited Springfield, Illinois, and the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Museum and Library and passed through Alton, Il., the site of the famous Lincoln-Douglas Senatorial debate. The irony was not lost on me as I wandered through the history thinking that I believe that the upcoming Trump/Clinton Presidential debate will be closer to a pair of arguing school children than a serious understanding of policy and national direction.

I am pretty much middle of the road, and as usual I am not happy with the choices presented from the two parties in control and vote either for the one I perceive as less bad or just go third-party. It seems a lot of people agree this time, and not just the moderates. Both candidates have well over half the people not liking them, which is baffling in of itself…how two people, each disliked by more than half the population, end up as their parties’ top candidates. What does that say about us?

I have devised a method for analyzing the upcoming debate(s). I believe it is fair and will allow anyone using the method to reach a level of understanding capable only by turning the analysis into the same farce as the race has become, and I suspect that the debate will be as well.

Welcome to my drinking game/election analysis.

The rules are simple, head to the liquor store (or if you chose otherwise I understand but, you can use those mini candy bars your stocking up on for Halloween – I am guaranteeing similar results), get your favorite spirit and have the rules ready for the debate. Also, you might want to use a vacation day ahead of time for the day after.

First we must watch the fiasco, I mean debate. So after the rules I will explain how to properly analyse the debate. You will drink or eat your candy bar during the debate if any of the following is said or happens, by either candidate in the process of the debate;

  1. If either candidate calls the other unfit, unqualified, liar, criminal, untrustworthy, racist, drink. If they offer explanations for these and point out the others’ temperament, health, etc..drink again. I should point out that the US Constitution, Article II, Section 1, paragraph 5 states: “No person except a natural-born citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of the President; neither shall any person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty-five Years, and been fourteen Years as a resident within the United States.” So any talk of being unqualified for any reason not in listed in the Constitution above…drink, people, drink, for each and every one.
  2. Any snide comments or personal comments intended to rile the opponent…drink
  3. If a candidate laughs, gestures, rolls eyes or makes any other obvious physical actions other than drinking water, taking notes or listening while the other is speaking…drink twice because you probably missed one or the camera didn’t show it all.
  4. If any discussion on an issue starts, stop drinking and pay attention..it shouldn’t last long. Once the insults start again, yep, drink.
  5. If they continue on past or over the moderator to continue insulting, and it is not about an issue, drink for each infraction of any of the above, plus a drink for rudeness.
  6. Drink for any action or phrase you, personally, deem inappropriate. Make your own rule and drink.

After you have followed the above it is time to analyze the debate, immediately after.

It’s pretty simple, really. If you’re drunk, you may want to ponder the next four years, as this could be your method for coping with whoever wins. Worse, if you didn’t make it through because you passed out, got sick or had sense to realize this was coming and stopped…you just may want to consider this night a glimpse of your life for the next four years with being sick of either choice.

It doesn’t matter who won, you lost.

I am not sure that any outcome of this election will bring anything other than what we already have. Maybe even more divisiveness, separation and futility with government. Keep your strings attached and we will elect a President that will have a higher percentage of people who dislike them than the percentage of their winning votes (I still can’t grasp that idea). The losing party will undergo serious rebuilding of its leadership (either party), base and probably their platform.

Maybe after the alcohol wears off, the hangover burns and clear thinking starts to return, you will realize that there are two other candidates who will be on the ballot in all 50 states.

You really want change? Enough votes to a third-party to deny major either candidate the electoral college number should make it even more entertaining.

Think about it.

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