What Do Republicans and Right Wingers Really Believe?
As everyone knows, Republicans are a bunch of bassackwards hillbilly robots with limited intelligence. When it comes to politics, they all join in lock step with each other and spout some of the most inane nonsense this side of a psychiatric ward. Below you'll find a comprehensive listing of all those things that Republicans really believe, as insane as those things might be. And look, I didn't just make this stuff up either. All this comes from logical conclusions one can draw from their policy statements and various things Republicans have said.
If you don't agree with what's here or want to add something, feel free to comment below. I reserve the right to add to this article based on suggestions because I'm sure many of you out there have strong opinions on what you think Republicans really believe.
So here's what Republicans really believe:
- It's not okay to abort a fetus the size of your fingernail, but it's okay to execute as many black men as humanly possible - Republicans understand the issue of abortion about as well as preschoolers understand Physics. To them, it's simply black and white. Abortion is murder and people who get abortions or perform abortions are murderers. So, we should make it illegal. Nevermind that middle and upper class women will just fly to Canada when that happens, leaving poor women to the back alley abortionists. That being said, they don't seem to care too much about the data that shows that death row inmates are usually there due to lack of legal defense and race and that many of them are likely to be there by mistake. They want them all fried.
- Abortion is murder and murder is never okay, so anybody who has an abortion or has had an abortion should be tried for murder. Might as well give them the death penalty too - Republicans never talk about what happens when abortion becomes illegal nor do they ever talk about the logical consequences of their beliefs. In fact, logic isn't really part of anything they do. However, this belief is the logical conclusion of believing abortion is murder and believing that murder should be punished by the death penalty. I just tossed in the retroactive aspect for fun because there's no statute of limitation on murder, right?
- Climate science is a bunch of hogwash, but gravity works and the Earth does revolve around the sun- Something like 98% of all climate scientists agree on global warming. As far as science goes, global warming is as close to a fact as you can get. Yet we're supposed to believe that global warming is a hoax because Trailer Park JoJo in Tennessee says that he doesn't think it's real. Seriously, are we going to take the word of the scientists or are we going to believe every Republican half-wit who happens to have an opinion on the subject? And by the way, you don't get to choose which science you believe and which you don't. So if JoJo suddenly says he doesn't believe in gravity or the fact that the earth revolves around the sun, are we then going to have a national debate on that too? Undereducated doofuses can have opinions on things, we just don't make national policy from them.
- Despite what is almost universally agreed on by scientists, we shouldn't teach our kids evolution, we should teach them that some old, white dude made the Earth 6000 years ago with all the people on it- Republicans believe what's in the Bible, except the parts they don't believe. I could list a hundred things in the Bible that nobody believes anymore, but for whatever reason, Republicans keep pushing creationism and insist the earth is only slightly older than 6000 years old, which again, is like saying you don't believe in the sun. There's absolutely no doubt that the earth is more than 6000 years old. Republicans love to say things like "Evolution is only a theory", which is like saying "The earth is round is only a theory". It indicates a complete lack of understanding about science and how science works. Still, none of this matters to Republicans.
- If you're poor and hurt and go to the hospital, they should turn you away and let you die if you can't pay for it- Republicans oppose Medicare, Medicaid, and welfare. As far as they're concerned, poverty is a choice. There are jobs out there. If you are poor, go get a job. Since poverty is a choice, if a poor person gets sick, it isn't the responsibility of the working tax payers of this country to pay for them to live or to get hospital care. Therefore, poor people who get sick should be left to die. Or they should just pray to get better.
- If you put money into a private retirement fund that is wiped out by some corporate malfeasance and you can't support yourself when you're old, you should just die or live in complete destitution - Remember, nobody should get government support and business should never be regulated by the government, so no matter how criminal a business activity or how much wealth is wiped out, regulating the free market is nothing but bad. The market will always solve its own problems if left to it. All that Wall Street stuff? Republicans would prefer the market balance things out. The government need not be involved. And when the life savings of regular people are wiped out? Well, too bad. At least the millionaires and billionaires are all right.
- Remember, poor people and old people should rot and/or die if they can't support themselves, but if you're dying from an incurable disease that's giving you unbearable pain every second of the day and you want to die, the federal government should step in and stop that- Remember Terri Schiavo? She was brain dead. Brain dead means you're never coming back. It means your body is a shell. It means you're not really human anymore. Our brain is what makes us human. Well, despite the opinion of pretty much every doctor in the universe, Republicans lined up from here to Timbuktu to demand that the government intervene and keep Schiavo's husband from turning off life support. Hey geniuses: that's not life. But when actual live people who through no fault of their own need our help, Republicans demand that that government do nothing.
- Anybody who's not white and whose ancestors weren't born in America isn't really one of us- Republicans hate the melting pot. And let's be real here - all those guys who head to the border with their personal rifles to make sure no Mexicans cross are Republicans. All those people who are protesting the placement of a mosque near ground zero are Republicans. All those people who didn't vote for Obama because he is black are Republicans. I'm just saying. Seems like there are an awful lot of racist Republicans.
- Illegal Mexican immigrants should be stuffed in a canon and shot back over the border- Republicans just go crazy whenever anyone gets in this country who shouldn't be here, seemingly forgetting the grand history of immigration into our country. As far as they're concerned, all illegal immigrants should be deported. No exceptions. Republicans hate it when people get the benefits of taxpayer dollars who don't belong here. Then again, Republicans don't want to pay taxes, so that seems like a contradiction.
- Muslims should not be allowed to ride on planes- Guys who were Muslims were responsible for 9/11. The logical response to that tragedy for Republicans is that Muslims should not be allowed to fly. It's that simple. Despite that massive number of Muslims who are not terrorists, Republicans see no point in risking safety for their freedom, whether they're United States citizens or not.
- Anybody who wants a gun should have a gun - Republicans believe everyone should have the right to buy a gun and that there should be no regulation on buying guns. This is the basic position of the NRA to which Republicans adhere. That means if some wife-beating, trailer park redneck decides to shoot his wife and goes to the gun store and tells the clerk "hey, I'm going to shoot my wife", the clerk should be able to sell the redneck the gun. And if you're a member of ISIL, you should be able to buy a gun too.
- If you're a woman and you wear a tight skirt, you deserved to be raped - Whenever some floozy in a tight skirt gets raped, you almost never see Republicans supporting her in an effort to denounce rape culture. In fact, you more often see Republicans rallying around her attacker. It's pretty simple, really. Nobody deserves to be raped. Republicans rarely make that statement without some kind of caveat.
I'm sure some people have found what I've written to be funny and others have found it to be highly offensive. It may be the most incisive thing I've ever written or the most inane. While I certainly don't want anybody to feel angry toward me, you should know that I haven't written this article based on any specific feelings I have. I have written it using the hyperbole of politics that seems to misinform and inform so many people. If that results in both laughter and anger, then the article has served its purpose. My intention is to spark a debate and cause people to think or to respond.
Please note below in the link section that I have written a similar article about the other party. If I'm going to offend, I'm an equal opportunity offender. I hope no matter your position, you read both articles to see if I'm exaggerating fairly.