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What Do Republicans Really Believe?

I'm an eclectic gal with many diverse interests. They include relationships, film, trivia, and an assortment of other things.

Conserve the Status Quo

Of course, as everyone knows, Republicans are a bunch of bassackwards hillbilly robots with limited smarts. And when it comes to politics, they all join in lock step with each other. Deviate and they will destroy you. Moreover, most of them spout some of the most inane nonsense this side of a psychiatric ward. Below you'll find a comprehensive listing of all those things that Republicans really believe. And look, I didn't just make this stuff up. All this comes from conclusions one can draw from policy statements. Others come from things Republicans have said.

If you don't agree with what's here or want to add something, feel free to comment. I reserve the right to add to this article based on suggestions. I'm sure many of you out there have strong opinions on what you think Republicans really believe. Feel free to agree or disagree. It's all okay. Civil debate is an absolute necessity.

So here's what Republicans really believe:


Abortion Bad. Capital Punishment Good.

Abortion is murder. Murder is never okay. We punish murder with death. Thus, if you're a woman who has an abortion, you are guilty of murder. If you had one, then you're already guilty. You get the electric chair. Naturally, Republicans never talk about what happens when abortion becomes illegal. They also never talk about the logical outcome of their beliefs. In fact, logic isn't really part of how they think. However, this belief is the logical conclusion of their belief that abortion is murder. If you believe abortion is murder, we must punish it with the death penalty. I just tossed in the retroactive aspect for fun because there's no statute of limitation on murder, right?

Climate Science = Fake Science. Gravity? Hmmm.

Something like 98% of all climate scientists agree on global warming. As far as science goes, scientists accept global warming as fact. There are always some dissenters. In this case, there are very few. Remember, there's dissent about everything. Some people don't believe the earth revolves around the sun.

Do you believe that scientists are lying because Trailer Park Joe thinks it's not real? Can any yahoo decide what's a hoax and what's not? Seriously, who do you believe? Who should you believe? Do you accept the word of the scientists? Or do you believe every Republican half-wit who happens to have an opinion on the subject? Oh, and some high school education. Maybe they even have a GED! And by the way, you don't get to choose which science you believe and which you don't. What if Republican Joe suddenly decides gravity is a hoax. Will that be a national debate? Undereducated doofuses can have opinions on things, we just don't make national policy from them.

Evolution is Just a Theory

Republicans believe what's in the Bible. Except the parts they don't believe. I could list a hundred things in the Bible that nobody believes anymore. However, for whatever reason, Republicans keep pushing creationism. They insist the earth is only slightly older than 6000 years old. Again, that's akin to saying you don't believe in the sun. There's absolutely no doubt that the earth is more than 6000 years old. Zero doubt. Well, except for Joe on the internet. Or Lucas on Youtube. Republicans love to say things like "Evolution is only a theory". That's like saying "The earth is round is only a theory". It indicates a complete lack of understanding about science and how science works. Still, none of this matters to Republicans.

Republican God

Republican God

If you can't afford health care, just die

Republicans oppose Medicare. And Medicaid. And welfare. As far as they're concerned, poverty is a choice. There are jobs out there. If you are poor, go get a job. Since poverty is a choice, if a poor person gets sick, that's her problem. It isn't the responsibility of the working tax payers of this country to pay for them to live. And it society's responsibility to pay for their hospital care. Therefore, when poor people become sick, they should suffer the consequences. Or they should just pray to get better.

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Corporations are always good

Remember, nobody should get government support. Moreover, government should not regulate business. Sure, bad things happen. Businesses commit criminal acts. No matter, regulation is bad. Regulation is always bad. Ultimately, it stifles growth. The market will always solve its own problems. All that Wall Street stuff? Republicans would prefer the market balance things out. When government interferes, everyone suffers. Everyone loses. And when bad business wipes out the wealth of American families? Well, too bad. At least the millionaires and billionaires are all right. They're the ones who built it all anyway.

The brain-dead have more rights than the living

Remember Terri Schiavo? She was brain dead. Brain dead means you're never coming back. It means your body is a shell. It means you're not really human anymore. Our brain is what makes us human. Well, despite the opinion of pretty much every doctor in the universe, Republicans lined up from here to Timbuktu to demand that the government intervene and keep Schiavo's husband from turning off life support. Hey geniuses: that's not life. But actual live people who through no fault of their own need our help? Republicans demand that that government do nothing.

Only white people are true Americans

Republicans hate the melting pot. Let's be real here. Those guys who head to the border with their personal rifles to make sure no Mexicans cross? Republicans. All those people who are protesting the placement of a mosque near ground zero? More Republicans. All those people who didn't vote for Obama because he is black are Republicans. I'm just saying. Seems like there are an awful lot of racist Republicans.


Illegal Immigration are America's biggest threat

Republicans just go crazy whenever anyone gets in this country illegally. As far as they're concerned, illegal immigration is our country's biggest problem. They do love their $2.99/pound strawberries though. As far as they're concerned, the U.S. should deport all immigrants. No exceptions. Republicans hate it when people get the benefits of taxpayer dollars who don't belong here. They assume all illegal immigrants get welfare and none of them pay taxes. Then again, Republicans don't want to pay taxes, so that seems like a contradiction.

Muslims should not be allowed to ride on planes

Guys who were Muslims were responsible for 9/11. The logical response to that tragedy for Republicans is that we should not allow Muslims to fly. It's that simple. Also, if we just keep them out of the country altogether, that's good too. Despite the massive number of Muslims who are not terrorists, Republicans see no point in risking safety for their freedom. It doesn't matter whether the United States has made those Muslims citizens or not.

Anybody who wants a gun should have a gun

Republicans believe everyone should have the right to buy a gun. They also believer there should be no regulation on buying guns. This is the basic position of the NRA. Republicans have become inflexible on this point. So what if some wife-beating, trailer park redneck decides to shoot his wife? Let's say he goes to the gun store and tells the clerk "hey, I'm going to shoot my wife". The clerk should be able to sell the redneck the gun. And if you're a member of ISIL, you should be able to buy a gun too.

Rape isn't a big deal

Whenever a man rapes some floozy in a tight skirt, you almost never see Republicans support her. They rarely stand behind a woman who tells her story of assault. Republicans always defend the man. They rally behind the attacker. Rape culture is like cancel culture. It's bad. It's pretty simple, really. Rape is a crime. Victims deserve to have a say. Historically, men silence women who claim rape or assault. Usually, when men rape and assault women, Republicans only denounce it with some caveat.


I'm sure some people have found what I've written to be funny. Probably, others have found it to be highly offensive. It may be the most incisive thing I've ever written. It could be the most inane. Please don't be angry with me. Know that I haven't written this article based on any specific feelings. I have written it using the hyperbole of politics that seems to misinform and inform so many people. If that results in both laughter and anger, then the article has served its purpose. My intention is to spark a debate and cause people to think.

Please note below in the link section that I have written a similar article about Democrats. If I'm going to offend, I'm an equal opportunity offender. I hope no matter your position, you read both articles to see if I'm exaggerating fairly.

This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.

© 2011 Sychophantastic

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