Let's Play Political Jeopardy
Meeting the contestants
The famous musical intro to the Jeopardy game show plays out.
Announcer: This is Political Jeopardy. (The camera pans over to the contestants) Our first contestant is former First Lady of the United States, former Junior Senator from New York, former Secretary of State, and current democratic, presidential candidate, Hillary Rodham Clinton. (Hillary smiles her toothy grin and waves to the cameras).
Our next contestant is a multi-billionaire, business tycoon, author, reality show star of The Apprentice, Host of Celebrity Apprentice, and current Republican front-running, presidential candidate - Donald J. Trump. (Trump protrudes his bottom lip solemnly and proudly).
Our final guest is a social activist, avowed socialist, current junior senator of Vermont, and democratic presidential candidate - Senator Bernie Sanders. (Sanders offers a wooden scowl). Can you feel the Bern?
And now, here is our host, Alex Trebek. (The handsome host graces the stage with his debonair presence).
Trebek: Good evening, and welcome to America's favorite question and answer game, Jeopardy. Tonight is a special edition called Political Jeopardy. (Trebek smiles over at his guests) Welcome candidates. How are you enjoying your campaigns? And please tell us what charity you are playing for.
Hillary: Well, Alex, my campaign couldn't be going any better. You know, I'm the only one of the three candidates that has a flawless record of consistency and honesty. As for charity, that's a no-brainer, Alex. Of course the Clinton Foundation.
Trebek: Um, yes, what else? And Senator Sanders, how about you?"
Sanders: Alex, the campaign is going well. My goal is to pay my campaign expenses and staff with 50% of your paycheck, and 50% of Mrs. Clinton's and Mr. Trump's wealth. My charity is Socialist Lives Matter.
Trebek: Thank you, Senator Sanders. Don't all lives matter? Never mind, you don't have to answer that. And you, Mr. Trump?
Trump: My campaign is going fantastic. I'm at the top of every poll. The people love me, everything about me. My charity is The Trump Billionaire Apprentice Foundation. We train rich people how to become filthy rich people.
Trebek: Thank you Mr. Trump. And thank you Ms. Clinton, and Senator Sanders. Okay, let's play Political Jeopardy! Here are the six categories for the Jeopardy round.
Let the games begin
Trebek: All right, we're going to start from left to right. Ms. Clinton, that means we start with you. Which category would you like to start with?
Hillary: Alex, I'll try scandals for two hundred.
Trebek: Okay. This twenty two year old White House intern had an affair with the forty second President of the United States.
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Trebek: Ms. Clinton, you rang first. What is your response?
Hillary: "Who is that narcissistic loony tune?"
Trebek: Oh, I'm sorry, that answer is incorrect.
Hillary: What do you mean it's incorrect? Hello! I was there, Alex. That woman had an affair with my husband, humiliating me in front of all of America. (Hillary is beet red, chest heaving) And you and I discussed it at a White House banquet, don't you remember?
Trebek: Ms. Clinton, the response must be a correct legal name. I'm sorry. Mr. Trump, you rang in second. What is your response?
Trump: (smirks over at Hillary) Sorry, Hillary. My response is, "Who is Monica Lewinski?"
Trebek: That is correct, Mr. Trump. You now have two hundred toward your charity.
Hillary tries to save face by plastering a confident smile on her face. Trump is chuckling to the audience. Sanders continues to scowl.
Trebek: Okay, Mr. Trump. What category would you like to choose?
Trump: Alex, I'll try insults and name calling for two hundred.
Trebek: "This 2016 presidential candidate was called a pathological liar by..."
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Trebek: I didn't finish the question.
Trump: Doesn't matter, Trebek. The answer is, "Who is Hillary Clinton?" Everyone knows that.
Trebek: Mr. Trump you can't...
Hillary: No, I'm afraid the answer is, "Who is Donald Trump?" Duh!
Trebek: Ms. Clinton...
Sanders: The answer is, "Who are Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump?" You're both known as pathological liars.
Sanders: No, you're the liars.
Trebek: I'm sorry, you are all disqualified on that question, as you didn't allow me to finish the clue. The clue was, "This 2016 presidential candidate was called a pathological liar by an opposing candidate." The answer is, "Who is Donald Trump?"
Hillary: See, what did I tell you? Bernie, give me a high five, babe?
Sanders: Oh, why don't you go send an email.
Trump: Good one, Senator. I'm feeling the Bern.
Trebek: We're going to break for a commercial.
The show goes to commercial.
Trebek: (ticked off) Listen you three, this is a game show, not a debate, and not a three ring circus. I must ask that you keep your composure and play by the rules. And may I remind you are here to win money for charity.
Hillary: Gee, Alex, maybe if you didn't ask baiting questions.
"Anyone who cuts open brains doesn't have much of one himself. Besides, I could do it just as well with a sledge hammer." ~ Donald Trump, defending his comment that Ben Carson is just an okay doctor.
Can't we all just get along?
The director counts off to three.
Trebek: Welcome back to Jeopardy, ladies and gentlemen. Let's return back to our game. Mr. Trump, you are disqualified to choose first in this round. Mr. Sanders, the ball is in your court.
Sanders: (gruffly) I'll take stupid statements for two hundred.
Trebek: "This idiot made this stupid statement about Dr. Ben Carson at a 2016 GOP debate: 'He's just an okay doctor.'"
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Trebek: Senator Sanders, you rang first.
Sanders:" Who is Donald Trump?" (glares at the Donald) Idiot is too mild. Seriously, Mr. Trump?
Trump has his usual pout-lipped clown face.
Trump: Hey, I was telling the truth. Anyone who cuts open brains doesn't have much of one himself. Besides, I could do it just as well with a sledge hammer.
Trebek: (ignoring Trump) Senator Sanders, you have two hundred dollars for your charity. Please choose your next category.
Sanders: I'll take stupid statements for four hundred.
Trebek: "Ms. Clinton made this statement 'What, like with a cloth or something?' about this subject?"
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Trebek: Senator Sanders.
Sanders: "What is wiping out messages on a private email server?"
Hillary: Bernie, you've promised repeatedly you wouldn't bring up the email issue? I think as a presidential candidate you ought to stay true to your word.
Sanders: I'm just answering the question, Mrs. Clinton. You don't like it, take it up with the show's producer.
Hillary: It's Ms., not Mrs. That's a pretty lame excuse, but what can we expect from a radical socialist?
Trump: (feigning tears) Can't we all just get along?
Trebek: Senator Sanders, you now have six hundred dollars. Your turn again.
Sanders: Since I'm on a roll, I'll take stupid statements for six hundred.
Trebek: "'The American people are sick and tired of hearing about your damn e-mails," was said by this presidential running mate."
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Trebek: Mr. Trump, you were first. Your answer, please.
Trump: You're in trouble now, Bernie. "Who is Bernie Sanders?"
Hillary: See, I told you.
Bernie: I never denied it. All I said was I was just answering the question.
Trebek: Mr. Trump, you now have eight hundred. It is your turn.
"What, like with a cloth or something?" ~ Hillary Clinton, smart remark regarding wiping out emails on her private email server.
"I believed it until decades later the press did the math for me." ~ Hillary, regarding being named after Sir Edmund Hillary
Learning math and english
Trump: Alex, I'll take insults and name calling for four hundred.
Trebek: "Rosie O'Donnell said 'He is not a self-made man, but a snake-oil salesman on Little House on the Prairie.'"
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Trebek: Ms. Clinton?
Hillary: Ha ha! "Who is Donald Trump?" Rosie, you nailed it, hon.
Trump: Let me tell you something, Hillary. Rosie O'Donnell doesn't know me. She has an addiction to potato chips and Ho Ho's. With all that junk in her system, who can believe anything she says. (Donald looks into the camera) You hear that, Rosieee?
Trebek: Ms. Clinton, you are correct. You have four hundred for the Clinton Foundation. Choose your category.
Hillary: Alex, I'll take whoppers for two hundred.
Trebek: "This former Secretary of State claims to have been named after Sir Edmund Hillary, famed climber of Mount Everest, despite the fact that he did not do so until she was six years old."
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Trebek: Ms. Clinton, your answer?
Hillary: Now listen, "Whopper" is an unfair categorization. I have explained that statement - that it was a story my mother told me to inspire greatness in me. I believed it until decades later the press did the math for me.
Trebek: I'm sorry, Ms. Clinton, that is not the correct answer. Mr. Trump, you rang second.
Trump: (looking over at Hillary) The answer is, "Who is Hillary Clinton, the former Secretary of State who not only tells whoppers, and never learned to count, but also never achieved greatness, either."
Hillary: Okay, Donald, Mr. "I've never gone into bankruptcy."
Trebek: Mr. Trump, you now have one thousand for your charity. Next category, please.
Trump: I'll take Whoppers for four hundred. You know, your producers ought to just put Hillary's name up there in place of whoppers.
Trebek: Mr. Trump, let's stay focused here.
Sanders: Cheap shot, Trump.
Hillary: Thank you. I can honestly say, I'm feeling the Bern.
Trump: Everything's cheap to you, Bernie. Everything is free, right?
Hillary: Well, he's got you there, Bernie. We'll pay out the wazoo for it in taxes. I have a much better tax plan.
Trebek: We'll be right back after this message. Don't go away.
While away at a commercial, Trebek once more tries to rein everyone in.
Trebek: Now listen, this is just a game. It is about politics, and you are all running for public office. You are all fair game. If you don't like it, kindly fake being professionals by showing some modicum of propriety.
Trump: (turning to Sanders and whispering) What's propriety, Bernie?
Sanders: It's an old world, archaic word and concept. I think it might mean decency, if I'm not mistaken. Been decades since I've heard that word.
Trebek: (under his breath) Or seen it practiced.
Hillary: It doesn't really matter, Bernie. If it means decency, and I'll have to look it up, the most proprietary person in this campaign season is yours truly.
Trump: What about modicum? What does that mean?
Hillary: How can you be that dumb, Donald? I use a modicum when I send out emails on my computer.
Sanders: I believe you're confusing modicum with a modem, Mrs. Clinton. And quite frankly, I wish I was running against people with common sense, intelligence, and...propriety? Was that the word Alex?
Trebek: All right, pull it together, we're back on the air in..."
Director: (counting off with fingers) Three, two, one. On air.
"It's an old world, archaic word and concept. I think it might mean decency, if I'm not mistaken." ~ Bernie Sanders, defining "Propriety" for Donald Trump
"You know, your producers ought to just put Hillary's name up there in place of whoppers." ~ Donald Trump
Victory marches and prostate problems
Trebek: Okay, welcome back once again. Mr. Trump, it is your turn. Choose a category.
Trump: I'll go back to insults and name calling for six hundred.
The daily double sound goes off.
Trebek: Oh, that's the daily double. Mr. Trump, what would you like to wager?
Trump: Now you're talking my language, Trebek. Wager is my middle name. I'll wager the whole ball of wax, the whole enchilada, the whole Trump tower. One thousand dollars, Alex.
The audience gasps.
Trebek: Okay, your wager is one thousand. Here's the clue: "This wet behind the ears Senator said, 'You talked about my ears, and I just want to put you on notice. I'm very sensitive about them.'"
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Trebek: Mr. Trump. You rang in first.
Trump: I got this. No brainer: "Who is little Marco Rubio?"
Trebek: That is not correct. Ms. Clinton?
Hillary: (laughing hysterically) "Who is Barak Obama?" Bwahahah. Donald, (doubled over laughing) you're bankrupt again.
Trump: No way. Little Marco said that when I chided him about his big ears.
Trebek: I'm sorry, Mr. Trump. The quote is straight from the mouth of Barak Obama after Maureen Dowd teased him about his big ears.
Trump: This show is rigged. Did Megyn Kelly set that one up?
HIllary: Oh, poor Donny, always a victim. If Bernie wins, Donald, you can get free counseling. Bwahahaha.
Sanders: She's right.
Trebek: Okay, Ms. Clinton. You now have fourteen hundred dollars. Your turn.
Hillary: Let's change the subject. I'll take hypocrisy for four hundred.
Trebek: What about two hundred, first?
Hillary: Listen Alex, I need bigger money for my foundation. Now just give me hypocrisy for four hundred.
Trebek: Suit yourself. "This anti-war, socialist Senator supported the NATO bombing of Kosovo, and voted to adopt the joint resolution that authorized President George W. Bush to use Armed Forces against anyone involved in the 9-1-1 attacks."
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Trebek: Ms. Clinton.
Hillary: "Who is Bernie Sanders?" (looking snidely at the Bern) Hypocrite.
Sanders: Now wait a minute, I can explain...
Trebek: I'm sorry, Senator. We've run out of time.
Sanders: Wait a minute, we haven't even touched the inconsistencies category.
Trebek: To be honest, Senator, you three have shown your inconsistencies all evening. So, Ms. Clinton, you now have eighteen hundred dollars for the Clinton foundation.
Hillary does the happy dance, then runs out to the audience doing an Ellenesque dance through the aisles, followed by a second round giving high fives. This is followed by a third round blowing kisses; followed by a round of Tricky Dick peace signs; followed by a round of "Yo Bill, I did it's." Suddenly the lights go out and all is silent.
Hillary: Wha...what's going on? Is anybody there? Donlad, is this your idea of a joke? Bernie? Alex?
Hillary: (turns around to the voice just inches away) Who is it? What's going on?
Trebek: It's me, Alex.
Hillary: Alex, what are you pulling here?
Trebek: Hillary, we ran out of time. You made five rounds of victory marches. I had to pee and it was time for Wheel of Fortune.
Hillary: So what, Alex. Pat Sajak hasn't been able to comb his hair right for thirty four years, and Vanna? Total Stepford game show hostess.
Trebek: Hillary, here's the check made out to the Clinton Foundation for eighteen hundred dollars. Call it a night.
Hillary: Your joking, right? Only eighteen hundred?
Trebek: That's right. You won eighteen hundred, not a penny less, not a penny more.
Hillary: Come on Alex, you don't expect me to settle for such a pittance.
Trebek: Ahem. Hillary, this is a game show, not politics. You want more, have Bill find the producer a nice girl. The guy just got divorced and he's really lonely. He's filthy rich from all the game shows he produces. I'm sure you and Bill and he can work out a nice settlement. But right now, I have to pee again. Prostate problems, you know.
Hillary: Sounds like a plan, Alex. You seem to have a firm grasp on how the Clinton machine works. Good night. Turn on your cell phone so you don't trip on the way to the bathroom.
© 2016 Lori Colbo. All rights reserved.