Satire: How to Build President Trump's Wall on the U.S-Mexican Border

Updated on May 9, 2018
Luke Holm profile image

Luke works as a middle school English, ELD, social justice, and mindfulness teacher in the sanctuary city, San Jose, CA.

Source

Build It Into Space

If I built a wall, I'd build it into space. That way no one could fly over it.

It is estimated that 25-41% of undocumented immigrants fly across the U.S.-Mexican border legally, with green cards, and then overstay their visas. News anchor and political writer Jorge Ramos cited the 1997 the U.S. Immigration and Neutralization Service, the INS, when revealing this statistic.

The fact is that most undocumented (illegal) immigrants come to the United States legally and then overstay their visas. Most of the time, these people end up supporting American infrastructure in numerous ways. They root themselves in sanctuary cities, buy homes, get jobs, and work long hours to support their families.

Undocumented citizens are people trying to make a better life for themselves and their loved ones. If I were fleeing and oppressive regime, a dangerous country, or an uninhabitable land to save my family from despair, nothing could stop me.

That's why I suggest we build the wall into space. That way, no one can fly over it unless they have a rocket ship. At that point, they should probably just go colonize Mars...

Source

Dig It Deep Into The Earth's Core

If I built a wall, I'd burry it deep into the earth's core. That way no one could dig under it.

Acknowledging the possibility of illegal border crossing underground, President Trump stated in his Arizona immigration speech that his border plan would utilize the best underground sensor technology. The only problem with his plan, though, is that such technology doesn't currently exist. While border patrol has become highly advanced, modern day radar sensory systems such as the one he is proposing are likely years away from coming to fruition.

Since 1990, over 200 underground tunnels have been found spanning between the Mexican-American border. Most of these tunnels are used for drug smuggling. They often intersect with sewage lines and drainage systems shared by nearby cities.

While modern day sensors can detect up to ten feet into the earth, many tunnels are dug much deeper, sometimes up to 90 feet deep. Furthermore, it is difficult to tell where these tunnels might be located, making the initial search with the detectors even more difficult. David Shaw, a special agent in charge of Homeland Security was quoted stating, "For every tunnel we find, we feel they’re building another one somewhere, and they might get more creative in concealing it..."

Since there are always new and more elaborate ways to dig under the border, I suggest we burry the wall as deep as the earth's core. That way if anyone tries to dig under it, they explode into flames before crossing illegally...

Source

Extend It Far Out Into The Oceans

If I built a wall, I'd extend it far out into the oceans. That way no one could take a boat around it.

The United States has just over 12,000 miles of coastlines. This expansive area becomes prime real-estate for those crossing the border illegally. Every year, hundreds of Mexicans arrive on American shores in boats built for abandonment. Boats are frequently found abandoned on southern shores and many southern residents claim that they hear motor boats throughout the night sneaking people into the U.S. and then returning back to Mexico.

It is impossible to tell how many people use water systems to cross the border illegally. U.S. Customs and Border Patrol officer Tim Feige, who has worked in the 400 square mile area of the Pacific Ocean between Tijuana, Mexico and Los Angeles, stated, “It’s like trying to find a needle in a haystack, and the haystack is the Pacific Ocean.”

Since 2008, over 2,000 people have been caught crossing the border via costal waters. While the United States does have a small 330 ft. fence protruding off the cost of Tijuana, this is more of a joke than a deterrent. This is why I suggest we build a fence as far out into the ocean as we possibly can. It's the only way to prevent illegal intrusion via ocean and costal waters. Maybe they'll run out of gas and drift back to Mexico...

Source

Include Heat Seeking Radar Detectors

If I built a wall, I'd include heat seeking radar detectors at border patrol stations. That way no one could sneak past undetected.

Coyotes make a lot of money ferrying illegal immigrants across the Mexican-U.S. border. While statistics are hard to pin down, there are many tales of elaborate and creative ways to hide a person inside of a vehicle.

Illegal immigrants have been sewn into seats, hidden in false compartments, hidden near engines, and smuggled in dashboards. Typically, canines can sniff out these desperate humans, but who knows how many people evade border patrol through these means.

This is why I suggest we swap out the dogs for heat seeking devices. By scanning and rescanning all vehicles that cross the border, we can ensure no one will sneak past our impenetrable wall. Maybe we can add a laser beam to this device. That way they are incinerated upon location and we never have to look again...

Source

Wrap It Around The Entire United States

If I built a wall, I'd wrap it around the entire United States. That way everyone knows they aren't welcome.

Marc Rosenblum at the Migration Policy Institute stated that about 16% of unauthorized Mexican immigrants, about 27% of unauthorized Central Americans, and about 91% of all other unauthorized immigrants arrive not by land, but by plane. This statistic translates to about a third of all overstays coming from Mexico and Central America and the other two-thirds coming from the rest of the world.

Building the wall will only encourage people to never leave the United States, once they have arrived. Why would they go through so much trouble just to leave and risk never being able to return? When the U.S. was less strict, enacting a pseudo open-door policy, the rate of illegal immigrants staying in the United States was much lower. People came to the U.S. for work, made money, and then brought it home to their families. That way their children could eat.

We're already preventing people from certain countries from entering into the United States. Regardless of whether they are immigrating or traveling legally, the U.S. is working hard to cut off its borders. If we are going to build a Mexican-American wall, why not just continue building it around the entire U.S.? While we're at it, maybe we can make a roof to prevent people entering via airspace. Better yet, let's not build a wall at all. Let's just build a giant dome...

Source

Include A Prize Grabber Claw

If I built a wall, I'd include an intelligent mechanical prize grabber claw. That way I could uproot any hardworking, undocumented citizens from their homes and simply drop them on the other side, where they belong.

As previously stated, the majority of undocumented citizens came to the United States legally and then overstayed their visas. In the early 1990s, it was estimated that about 60% of illegal immigrants jumped the border in a way deemed illegal. Since then, the government has cracked down on border patrol.

In some sense, the increase in border patrol worked. The number of illegal immigrants began to decline. What didn't decline, though, was the number of overstay immigrants who crossed the border legally. Now, estimates are an upwards of 60% that suggest undocumented citizens crossed legally, usually via plane, and overstayed their visas. If the government builds a wall, they should expect to see an even larger influx of illegal immigrants.

A prize grabber claw would not only be a fun and exciting way to deport undocumented citizens, it could also enhance hand-eye coordination. Maybe we can even get a prize for whoever sends the most people back to Mexico...

Source

Include A Giant Cross

Finally, if I built a wall, I'd put a giant cross on top. That way everyone would know how Christian I am.

Many people advocating for the wall claim to be Christians. Ignoring the obvious dichotomy between turning their backs on their neighbors and welcoming all of humanity with open, loving arms, they allow themselves to be brainwashed by the violent and aggressive media pouring out of our televisions daily. I'm not sure if you realize this, but Mexicans are people too.

The human race is a family. Are there bad apples in every family? Sure. However, there are not as many correlations between violent crimes committed by undocumented citizens as compared to legal citizens as you might think. In 2013, white Americans accounted for approximately 71% of all sexual assaults as compared to only 9% committed by Latinos.

From 1990 to 2013, the number of undocumented immigrants in the country tripled from 3.5 million to 11.2 million. Yet during that time, violent crime rates dropped 48% nationwide. Studies continuously show that there is no correlation between undocumented citizens and an increase in criminal behavior. For example, the incarceration for US born citizens is 3.51%, compared to the 0.86% incarceration rate for those born in foreign countries.

Before I throw down too many numbers, which are very confusing, let me get to the essence of my subject. The U.S. population is consuming massive amounts of media garbage. What we are told is not what we should know. We eat the dirt and spit to sew similar negative opinions about the world around us. If we do not take control of our minds and our country soon, our democracy will devolve into a tyranny.

Life is short. We are only here for a short while. The powers that be have made you feel encroached upon by unwanted guests. The truth is, though, that everyone was born onto this planet without a choice in where they were born.

Adults love to grasp at any power they can. When will they realize that they are acting like children? When will humanity put aside its differences and see the truth of humanity? We are here together, born separate, but equal. We need to embrace each other if we want our species to evolve and progress to greater heights of ingenuity and power. The segregation of our population as a planet is putting us at a standstill.

Think about the children. Think about the future. Think about the truth of our reality. We are here together. Instead of sectioning off plots of land, we should be working together to enhance our existence. When will people embrace the words of our loving Lord, "Love thy neighbor as thyself?"

The way people are acting is making me sick. I hope that soon we will see through the veil and smoke screen propogated by media giants and oil barrens. I hope that soon we will see the spark of life in our brother's and sister's eyes. I hope that soon, people will let go their egos and learn to love. For if we don't learn to love, there won't be much to love very, very soon.

Will President Trump succeed in building a wall on the U.S.-Mexican border?

See results

Questions & Answers

    © 2017 JourneyHolm

    Comments

      0 of 8192 characters used
      Post Comment

      • Luke Holm profile imageAUTHOR

        JourneyHolm 

        20 months ago

        Thank you for reading this hub! I know it's dramatic and extreme, but it felt absolutely necessary to express recent events in a profoundly satirical way. I was worried the message would fall on deaf ears. I'm glad it's reached the exact opposite. Take care :)

      • Dolores Monet profile image

        Dolores Monet 

        20 months ago from East Coast, United States

        A funny take on a sad situation. I had to laugh at the grabber claw. But the way certain people have vilified the poor, struggling immigrants, and brown people is not consistent with either Christian or American values.

      • grand old lady profile image

        Mona Sabalones Gonzalez 

        20 months ago from Philippines

        Brilliant! I love your sarcasm, your satire, as well as how your knowledge and point of view inform your humor. This is so much better than many satirical articles I have read in serious publications like the New Yorker, The New York Times, etc. Excellent article. You need to be discovered.

      working

      This website uses cookies

      As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, soapboxie.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

      For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://soapboxie.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

      Show Details
      Necessary
      HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
      LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
      Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
      AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
      HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
      HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
      Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
      CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
      Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
      Features
      Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
      Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
      Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
      Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
      Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
      VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
      PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
      Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
      MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
      Marketing
      Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
      Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
      Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
      Statistics
      Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
      ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
      Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)