6 Things That Disabled People Do Not Find Helpful
A Reddit discussion of common mistakes well-intentioned people make while trying to “help” people with disabilities shows they may do more harm than good, says the Huffington Post. Some so-called “helpful” behaviors can be insulting, disrespectful, and patronizing. As someone who has worked in the disability community for many years, I have recognized these and other behaviors that hurt more than they help.
Mistake 1: Invasions of Personal Space
We all have personal space around us that should be respected. Able-bodied people should not touch people with disabilities unless invited to do so. Equipment such as wheelchairs and service dogs are also a part of that space.
Having someone come up behind a person sitting in a wheelchair and start pushing can be alarming and aggravating for the wheelchair user, especially if it is in the opposite direction that the disabled person is going in. It is disorienting for blind people to have someone grab their arms and start guiding them somewhere that they may not want to go without being asked for assistance.
Solution: Respect their personal space by not touching them or their equipment. Wait for disabled people to ask for assistance before touching them, their service dogs, or their mobility aids.
Mistake 2: Treating Disabled People as "Inspirational" or Helpless Objects of Pity
Some people think they are encouraging disabled people by putting them on a pedestal and telling them they are inspirational. Others feel that people with challenges are objects of pity who can’t achieve much without their help. If they do manage to do some things successfully without a lot of help, they are considered to be exceptions.
Unfortunately, the media promotes the idea that people with disabled people are extraordinary just because they have physical or cognitive challenges. The media runs a lot of “feel good” articles about people “overcoming” their conditions, succeeding “in spite of” their disabilities, or not allowing disability to “stop them” from achieving something.
Social media tends to spread these articles with comments such as:
“When I look at this person’s challenges, I realize how good I have it”
“I thought I had it bad until I read this person’s story”
“When I see what this person does not have, I am thankful for what I have”
“Isn’t this awful?”
Solution: People with disabilities want to be treated as equals and live their lives in peace.
Mistake 3: Asking Inappropriate Personal Questions
People can ask personal questions if disabled people indicate that they are open to them. If the disabled people are not open however, , people who are asking should accept a “no” or negative response. Some people think they have the right to be nosey and mask this with an appearance of concern for disabled people. They ask questions that cross the line such as: “How did you end up in a wheelchair?” “When are you going to get better?” “Do you have a good diet?” “Have you tried … (yoga, certain therapies, etc.)?” Some people ask questions they would never address to people who were not disabled.
Solution: It is up to disabled people to share their story in their own time or to determine when they want to address certain issues. We should respect their boundaries on possible discussion topics.
Mistake 4: Talking Down to People With Disabilities
Some non-disabled people treat people like they are children or lesser beings. They yell at deaf people and distort their mouths, speaking in convoluted ways that are impossible to lipread. They exaggerate their voices and movements when talking to people with autism, making it impossible for the autistic people to pick up social cues or understand them.
Sometimes a person with obvious physical or intellectual disabilities is out in public with a caregiver or personal support worker and run into someone they know. In some cases, the person they know will conduct a direct conversation with the able-bodied person and refer to disabled person in the third person or asking: “Is he able to walk?” “What does she like to eat?”
Solution: People should always converse with people with disabilities in a normal way. Sometimes, a third party may speak for someone who is non-verbal or difficult to understand. For example, if people with cerebral palsy have trouble speaking clearly, they may look to another person to repeat their comments. A deaf person may require a sign language interpreter to communicate.
All people, even those using others as communication supports, should be addressed directly in the first person. Individuals should not talk about them in the third person in their presence.
Mistake 5: Making Inappropriate Comments and Suggestions
Able-bodied individuals may make suggestions on how disabled people can improve their condition even when the able-bodied do not know what they are talking about. Some inappropriate comments may be on their appearance (“You don’t look autistic”), abilities (“Have you tried to walk lately?”), or lifestyle (“You people date?”).
Solution: People often blurt out inappropriate comments because they feel uncomfortable and think they have to say something - anything - to break the tension. Sometimes it is better to say little or nothing.
Mistake 6: Acting on the Assumption That Disabled People Are Not Capable
Disabled people may become frustrated and angry when people do things for them without asking them if they needed help. For example, amputees walking on prosthetic limbs may be able to walk well and may only need to lean on a shoulder when navigating stairs. If someone grabs an amputee’s arm or wrap their arms around the amputee’s waist, that person would probably have more difficulty walking and navigating stairs.
Sometimes people become angry when a disabled person exceeds their expectations. For example, when a people in a wheelchair show that they can stand and walk a few steps, some able-bodied people may accuse them of faking their disability.
They leave nasty notes scolding owners of cars for using handicapped parking spots after seeing owners getting out of their vehicles without difficulty. The able-bodied may not realize that some people have invisible illnesses such as multiple sclerosis (MS). The effects of MS on their bodies can fluctuate from day to day. Sometimes a person with MS can walk normally, but at other times, needs to use a cane or a wheelchair. Other assumptions are that disabled people cannot be educated and trained, have romantic relationships, or have a job.
Solution: We should assume that the disabled person is capable of living a full life. They will ask for help, if needed. They may do things differently, but things usually get done. For example, some people in wheelchairs use assistive devices such as metal rods with pincers that can reach food packages on high shelves.
People with disabilities do not want to be treated as “special,” “inspirational,” or helpless. They would like to be treated with the same respect as everyone else.
Disabled People Reveal The Things Others Do That Really Don’t Help, Rachel Moss, Huffington Post
Seven things you should stop saying and doing to disabled people, The Guardian, The Inequity Project
Don't call me an inspiration: disabled people list the most annoying things able-bodied people do to try and help, Independent, Christopher Hooton
8 ‘Helpful’ Things That Don’t Really Help People With Disabilities, Yahoo Health
'Don'ts' aren't helping: here's five things you can say to someone with a disability, The Guardian, Robert Hoge
How to treat people with illnesses and disabilities, Girlshealth.gov
Questions & Answers
© 2017 Carola Finch