The Abusive Nature of Restraining Orders Filed for Retaliation or out of Spite

Updated on March 2, 2018
KathyH profile image

Freelance writer for Textbroker, Verblio, and Constant Content. Published author in Neon Rainbow Magazine. Lived in Las Vegas for 8 years.

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Some Restraining Orders are Filed Abusively

Having had an experience with someone I love being falsely accused of things they did not do and having a restraining order falsely filed against them opened my eyes to the potential for abuse with restraining orders. Once a relationship is breaking up, especially in the case of a marriage, a person goes through a myriad of emotions. I understand that.

But it seems that we have made it so easy for any person, especially a woman who has a deep down issue with "hating" men, to file these things that it is almost laughable. Until you find yourself or someone you love on the receiving end of one of these, it's hard to understand the frustration and the feelings you have of this being one of the most unfair things on the planet. Especially when you are 100 percent certain that the things the person is accused of never happened.

Some women out there - notice I said "some" - use these things to try to ruin another person's (usually a man's) reputation, and in the worst case scenario, he could even lose his job, especially if his job requires the use of a firearm. He can also lose his home and access to his children. All because of made up lies because of a woman choosing to be spiteful or lies that are crafted in retaliation.

I found myself asking as I read the page of false accusations - and I do mean grandiosely false and made up - what kind of woman does this kind of thing? I was brought up in an age when people were more honest and more civil to one another. It shocks me to the core to see what we, as a society, are becoming.

What happened to people having a conscience or feeling bad if they lie about something? Seriously! What happened to morals? Do you ever find yourself asking questions like these? I do, especially today.

We Were Lucky That We Got This Dismissed

In our case, we are considered to be among the lucky ones. We are among the respondents who were able to catch this petitioner in several lies, and when they called her witness to the stand - he also lied. Their stories about the same event were different. The court commissioner said that she could not believe these allegations and that the person who filed them was less than credible.

After researching this problem on the Internet, it seems that this is a more common occurrence than I ever believed possible. Virtually any woman who gets angry with a guy for something is capable of using this legal process as a weapon. And it happens every day.

Just because I would never think of lying on a paper or under oath to try to ruin someone else's life doesn't mean some of these women today won't do it. In a heartbeat. And it can be a devastating thing if they're able to lie well enough so the restraining order is granted.

The biggest reasons women use restraining orders falsely are these:

  • To force a man to move out of a home
  • To allow a boyfriend to move into a home easily without a fight
  • To take away a man's rights to see his children - sometimes permanently
  • To cause a man to lose his home
  • To disarm a man for a length of time depending on the state you live in
  • To get the upper hand in the case of a divorce
  • If child custody is involved, a restraining order keeps a man from ever getting custody, even if a child wants to live with him in the future
  • The satisfaction of getting revenge

The thing that keeps women unafraid of being caught in these lies and false accusations that they are making under oath is that many District Attorney's don't prosecute perjury.

When You Hope a Commissioner or a Judge Will See Through Lies


Proactive Ways to Fight False Accusations

One of the best things you can do when you plan your strategy with an attorney is to go through each allegation in order and explain each incident or made up allegation. Let the attorney know what the circumstances were at the time, where this happened (in a public place or in the privacy of a home) and the truth about what actually happened. This will help your attorney to see how the person filing for the restraining order embellished incidents to make them sound as bad as possible. At least, this was what happened in our case. Here are some other tips for fighting these allegations:

  • Be able to provide evidence of where you were at certain times - meaning if you were at work and can show with a time card that you were there during the time when something allegedly took place
  • Supply phone records or email records of where you were at a given time
  • Let your attorney know if you have witnesses who were actually there when an event supposedly took place
  • Co-workers or neighbors or your friends can be helpful if they can testify about where you were on certain dates and at certain times
  • Request police reports or hospital records if the person is claiming to have been physically abused or injured. If they can't produce anything, this can be a red flag that they're not being truthful
  • Social media can even be a tool. If a person is claiming they were under great distress, and at the same time social media shows pictures of them partying it up with the new boyfriend, this can help to discredit them and their story

The idea is to be able to give your attorney anything he or she can use to discredit the claims that are being made against you and to discredit the person making them. The more proof you have of false allegations, the better off you'll be.

I Understand the Need for Restraining Orders IF They are Valid

I totally understand and empathize with women who are actually in an abusive relationship and in a relationship where they need protection in a legal way. In those cases, restraining orders are entirely valid and a good thing for these women to have access to.

What I'm talking about is women who are NOT being abused in any way who simply do this for spite, and for some euphoric feeling they get when voices in their head tell them they are "getting even." I'm talking about blatant abuse of this system. I'm talking about filing one order right after another even after one is denied just out of spite and harassment. In our case, it was so blatant and a filing for divorce happened to fall in between two attempts to get this order, so it was dropped.

It was such a blessed feeling of relief when this thing was dropped. But I thought about cases where it doesn't get dropped. Usually they are brought against men and they can result in as much as $10,000 in legal fees for some men.

In our lawsuit happy society I guess this is one of the unfortunate side effects. The legal system today is sometimes being abused for perceived retaliation and for spite. I guess just getting a divorce and moving on in a civil way is too much to ask in some cases.

How to Behave if You Are Falsely Accused

Here I thought I'd share a few tips for how to conduct yourself in a courtroom if you, or someone you love, is ever falsely accused and your presence is required in the courtroom. This can be an intimidating experience, especially if it's something totally new to you.

One of the best pieces of advice I can give is to do your best to remain calm, polite and respectful. Yes you're angry, especially if you're on the receiving end and are the one being accused of something you know you didn't do. If you're there as moral support for a falsely accused person, anger can be a prominent emotion for you as well. Try to stay calm and if you're called to speak in front of a court commissioner or a judge, be polite and truthful.

Restrain yourself from using things like sarcasm, no matter how tempting it may be, and truthfully answer any questions that are asked of you. We hired an attorney and used his wisdom and good advice in any dealings we had with this false accuser. It came down to all communication being handled through the attorney, which was fine with us.

The accuser in our case is mentally ill and was institutionalized three times in the past year, which gives you a bit of an idea what we've been dealing with. Dealing with an unhinged person is never easy, but its even harder if they decide to file false accusations within the legal system. This can happen, however, even if a person is thought to be sane and is simply flinging false charges at another person out of pure retaliation, rage and to achieve some idea that they are "getting even".

Below I've shared a link to a site giving you advice for getting out of a false restraining order and some of the reasons some women go so far as to file them. It's interesting reading!

Best of luck to you if you're going through this process right now. I have been there for moral support for someone that I love, and I know exactly what you're going through! Hopefully the truth will win out over spite.

Questions & Answers

    © 2018 KathyH


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      • KathyH profile imageAUTHOR


        5 months ago from Waukesha, Wisconsin

        I think a man could also do this, and I think it’s terrible for any person to falsely accuse another person, knowing that person did not do what they’re being accused of doing. I feel it’s wrong for anyone to abuse the legal system for the purpose of revenge.

      • profile image


        5 months ago

        It surprises me that as a woman, you would be so closed minded. Did you ever stop to think that a man could do the same to a woman? That a man could be a sneaky, sleazy scumbag, just like you think women can be? It’s clear that the relative was a male. I wonder how your story would have gone had it been a sister or a female friend that it was done too?

      • KathyH profile imageAUTHOR


        16 months ago from Waukesha, Wisconsin

        Hi Dianna! Thanks so much! I was hoping to use this experience to help others and to bring awareness that this kind of thing happens sometimes! This was all totally new to me and kind of shocking!

      • teaches12345 profile image

        Dianna Mendez 

        16 months ago

        Sorry you had to go through this ordeal but your writing of your experience will help others.

      • KathyH profile imageAUTHOR


        16 months ago from Waukesha, Wisconsin

        Thank you, dashingscorpio! What you said about society trying to overcompensate to right wrongs is absolutely true!

        In this case, the accuser lied to a women’s group that tries to help real victims of domestic abuse, and the reason she lied was to get free help!

        I wouldn’t want to be single in today’s contentious environment! It makes me glad that I’m in a good, 35 year marriage! I feel bad for singles today! Thank you for your insightful comments!

      • profile image


        16 months ago


        Thanks for the recognition!

      • dashingscorpio profile image


        16 months ago

        Excellent article.

        "we have made it so easy for any person, especially a woman who has a deep down issue with "hating" men, to file these things that it is almost laughable." - Very true!

        Not only do we see this with restraining orders there are instances where men are accused of abusing their children.

        In today's #Metoo climate any guy who has ever been rejected in their attempts to flirt with or seduce a woman is now forced to wonder if he harassed her or risk being accused of doing so.

        We've gone from no one believing women to having the accusation alone cause men to lose their jobs and reputations instantly. {Neither gender is standing on "holy ground".}

        People can be vindictive with those they feel hurt them by dumping them, cheating on them, firing them, not promoting them, and so on. The last thing a "hater" wants to see is their {enemy} being happy, enjoying life, remarried, or loved and accepted.

        Sadly we must never forget there have been incidences of false accusations like the Duke University men's lacrosse team were (falsely accused of rape). Just last year Breana Rachelle Harmon (white) of Denison, Texas claimed she was kidnapped by three (black males) and gang raped. Days later, Harmon admitted to faking her abduction and rape after medics found no sign she had been sexually abused. She also confessed she lied because her relationship with her fiancé was in jeopardy. She got no jail time!

        I believe our society sometimes overcompensates in an effort to right wrongs. This is especially true if it involves issues between men and women. Just recently I read an article where a woman stated if even if a woman says "yes" she is not necessarily giving her consent!

        We're never going to have real equality if men and women aren't held to the same standards. If anyone can wake up the next day regretting having had sex with someone or they were disappointed afterwards and have the ability to say they didn't consent we're in serious trouble.

        Human beings are "revengeful" by nature.

        While we want to side with alleged victims it's important to remember we shouldn't rush to judgment without getting the full story. Innocent until (proven) guilty use to be our legal mantra.

        However it's politically and potentially harmful financially to associate with anyone who has been (accused) of mistreating women. No hearing or conviction is required.

        The first one to file a restraining order or make an accusation is the winner in (public opinion).

      • KathyH profile imageAUTHOR


        16 months ago from Waukesha, Wisconsin

        Thank you for your thoughtful comments, Jibaro! You've brought up some really interesting points!

      • profile image


        16 months ago


        In the Legal area Feminism has triumph over reason and man! This is one of the reasons why marriage is a bad business for men.

        In the 50 Shades of Grey, he uses a Confidentiality Agreement that prohibits disclosure which nowadays makes sense. Also, a well done Prenuptial Agreement is essential before commiting into a marriage.

        For a man marriage is slavery and as long as it is like that, it will be a losing proposition and the adquisition of a highly dangerous depreciating asset that can ruin your life.

        Sorry but that is what reality is!


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