The Abusive Nature of Restraining Orders Filed for Retaliation or out of Spite
Many Believe That a Courthouse Is a Place of Justice
Some Restraining Orders are Filed Abusively
Having had an experience with someone I love being falsely accused of things they did not do and having a restraining order falsely filed against them opened my eyes to the potential for abuse with restraining orders. Once a relationship is breaking up, especially in the case of a marriage, a person goes through a myriad of emotions. I understand that.
But it seems that we have made it so easy for any person, especially a woman who has a deep down issue with "hating" men, to file these things that it is almost laughable. Until you find yourself or someone you love on the receiving end of one of these, it's hard to understand the frustration and the feelings you have of this being one of the most unfair things on the planet. Especially when you are 100 percent certain that the things the person is accused of never happened.
Some women out there - notice I said "some" - use these things to try to ruin another person's (usually a man's) reputation, and in the worst case scenario, he could even lose his job, especially if his job requires the use of a firearm. He can also lose his home and access to his children. All because of made up lies because of a woman choosing to be spiteful or lies that are crafted in retaliation.
I found myself asking as I read the page of false accusations - and I do mean grandiosely false and made up - what kind of woman does this kind of thing? I was brought up in an age when people were more honest and more civil to one another. It shocks me to the core to see what we, as a society, are becoming.
What happened to people having a conscience or feeling bad if they lie about something? Seriously! What happened to morals? Do you ever find yourself asking questions like these? I do, especially today.
We Were Lucky That We Got This Dismissed
In our case, we are considered to be among the lucky ones. We are among the respondents who were able to catch this petitioner in several lies, and when they called her witness to the stand - he also lied. Their stories about the same event were different. The court commissioner said that she could not believe these allegations and that the person who filed them was less than credible.
After researching this problem on the Internet, it seems that this is a more common occurrence than I ever believed possible. Virtually any woman who gets angry with a guy for something is capable of using this legal process as a weapon. And it happens every day.
Just because I would never think of lying on a paper or under oath to try to ruin someone else's life doesn't mean some of these women today won't do it. In a heartbeat. And it can be a devastating thing if they're able to lie well enough so the restraining order is granted.
The biggest reasons women use restraining orders falsely are these:
- To force a man to move out of a home
- To allow a boyfriend to move into a home easily without a fight
- To take away a man's rights to see his children - sometimes permanently
- To cause a man to lose his home
- To disarm a man for a length of time depending on the state you live in
- To get the upper hand in the case of a divorce
- If child custody is involved, a restraining order keeps a man from ever getting custody, even if a child wants to live with him in the future
- The satisfaction of getting revenge
The thing that keeps women unafraid of being caught in these lies and false accusations that they are making under oath is that many District Attorney's don't prosecute perjury.
When You Hope a Commissioner or a Judge Will See Through Lies
Proactive Ways to Fight False Accusations
One of the best things you can do when you plan your strategy with an attorney is to go through each allegation in order and explain each incident or made up allegation. Let the attorney know what the circumstances were at the time, where this happened (in a public place or in the privacy of a home) and the truth about what actually happened. This will help your attorney to see how the person filing for the restraining order embellished incidents to make them sound as bad as possible. At least, this was what happened in our case. Here are some other tips for fighting these allegations:
- Be able to provide evidence of where you were at certain times - meaning if you were at work and can show with a time card that you were there during the time when something allegedly took place
- Supply phone records or email records of where you were at a given time
- Let your attorney know if you have witnesses who were actually there when an event supposedly took place
- Co-workers or neighbors or your friends can be helpful if they can testify about where you were on certain dates and at certain times
- Request police reports or hospital records if the person is claiming to have been physically abused or injured. If they can't produce anything, this can be a red flag that they're not being truthful
- Social media can even be a tool. If a person is claiming they were under great distress, and at the same time social media shows pictures of them partying it up with the new boyfriend, this can help to discredit them and their story
The idea is to be able to give your attorney anything he or she can use to discredit the claims that are being made against you and to discredit the person making them. The more proof you have of false allegations, the better off you'll be.
I Understand the Need for Restraining Orders IF They are Valid
I totally understand and empathize with women who are actually in an abusive relationship and in a relationship where they need protection in a legal way. In those cases, restraining orders are entirely valid and a good thing for these women to have access to.
What I'm talking about is women who are NOT being abused in any way who simply do this for spite, and for some euphoric feeling they get when voices in their head tell them they are "getting even." I'm talking about blatant abuse of this system. I'm talking about filing one order right after another even after one is denied just out of spite and harassment. In our case, it was so blatant and a filing for divorce happened to fall in between two attempts to get this order, so it was dropped.
It was such a blessed feeling of relief when this thing was dropped. But I thought about cases where it doesn't get dropped. Usually they are brought against men and they can result in as much as $10,000 in legal fees for some men.
In our lawsuit happy society I guess this is one of the unfortunate side effects. The legal system today is sometimes being abused for perceived retaliation and for spite. I guess just getting a divorce and moving on in a civil way is too much to ask in some cases.
How to Behave if You Are Falsely Accused
Here I thought I'd share a few tips for how to conduct yourself in a courtroom if you, or someone you love, is ever falsely accused and your presence is required in the courtroom. This can be an intimidating experience, especially if it's something totally new to you.
One of the best pieces of advice I can give is to do your best to remain calm, polite and respectful. Yes you're angry, especially if you're on the receiving end and are the one being accused of something you know you didn't do. If you're there as moral support for a falsely accused person, anger can be a prominent emotion for you as well. Try to stay calm and if you're called to speak in front of a court commissioner or a judge, be polite and truthful.
Restrain yourself from using things like sarcasm, no matter how tempting it may be, and truthfully answer any questions that are asked of you. We hired an attorney and used his wisdom and good advice in any dealings we had with this false accuser. It came down to all communication being handled through the attorney, which was fine with us.
The accuser in our case is mentally ill and was institutionalized three times in the past year, which gives you a bit of an idea what we've been dealing with. Dealing with an unhinged person is never easy, but its even harder if they decide to file false accusations within the legal system. This can happen, however, even if a person is thought to be sane and is simply flinging false charges at another person out of pure retaliation, rage and to achieve some idea that they are "getting even".
Below I've shared a link to a site giving you advice for getting out of a false restraining order and some of the reasons some women go so far as to file them. It's interesting reading!
Best of luck to you if you're going through this process right now. I have been there for moral support for someone that I love, and I know exactly what you're going through! Hopefully the truth will win out over spite.
Advice for Handling False Restraining Orders
© 2018 KathyH